Experts: When Parents Stand Up for the Things That Really Matter

by - Malcom & Laura Gold

Question: What do you do when your child is pressuring you for something that conflicts with your principles as a parent?

Do you: (a) look around at what other parents are doing; (b) weigh your child’s grades and other ‘performance’ attributes against your principles; or (c) stand up for what you really believe in?

“This can be a difficult choice for today’s parents,” say Malcolm and Laura Gauld, the heads of Hyde Schools, a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington DC that focus on character education. “You’ll probably take your lumps if you answer ‘c.’ But there is no better way to raise your child.”

With three decades of experience in teaching students and their families to develop and live in a character culture and two decades of experience in parenting three children of their own, the Gaulds co-authored “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” book and parenting seminars, geared toward helping busy parents stay focused on the things that really matter — principles.

“Say you have a teenager who’s doing well in school, but has a bad attitude,” says Malcolm. “He tells you he wants the latest expensive gadget, like his friends have. Or perhaps he’s spending too much time social networking online and you want him to cut back. Should he be rewarded solely because of his grades? We see parents dismiss bad attitudes or habits when their child is performing well in school. But what message are we sending?”

The Gaulds point to the achievement culture we live in as a source of complication for parents.

“The focus is increasingly on grades, test scores and awards,” says Laura, “and not on the child—the whole child—and how he or she is developing, learning and making decisions. As a result, kids can adopt a ‘win at any cost’ mentality about grades, which can lead to a bad attitude, a compromised character, and even cheating and low self-esteem — a recipe for disaster. Further, the focus on external achievements as indicators of your child’s growth can put parents in a difficult position.”

The Gaulds’ advice: Be the parent who stands up for the things that really matter to you, regardless of your child’s achievements. To that end, they offer these simple guidelines to parents
1. Define your principles.

What are your principles, as parents? What do you believe is right? Become familiar with your own beliefs, clarify them, and learn to communicate them to your child. Parents of good kids tend to think they don’t need to say anything, but your children need to hear what you believe, loud and clear.

2. Understand your job as parent.

According to the Gaulds, this is the foundation of parenting.

“We earn our children’s love by first earning their respect,” says Laura.

The Gaulds explain that we can be friendly with our children, but need to understand we are not their ‘friends,’ a mistake many parents make that can create unproductive attitudes because the dynamic of the relationship is askew.

“We all want good relationships with our kids, but our role is to teach and guide them, first and foremost,” says Malcolm. “Our job is to model daily character, demonstrate what we believe, and make choices that may or may not be popular. That’s parenting.”

3. Don’t look only at your child’s external accomplishments.

Often parents look at their kid’s achievements and think, "She's doing very well. She's getting all A's, is a very accomplished athlete, and does amazing work with her art. She obviously doesn't need help."

Talk to your child about what’s happening beneath the surface — i.e., stress, fears, attitude, relationships, anxiety, sexuality, friends, teachers. These are concerns and challenges that will not appear on a report card, and they are important triggers in your child’s life.

“In the end, we are here to help teach our children what we know and believe in,” says Laura, “so they can grow into the best people they can be and fulfill their potential.”

“Character is inspired, not imparted,” says Malcolm. “We cannot pour it into our kids or our families. It takes work, and sometimes we put our relationships at risk when we hold to our convictions as parents. But the strongest relationships are those resting on a foundation of principles — guaranteed.”

Girl’s Inc - Giving Girls Skills for Life

By Leigh Greaney-Staff Writer

Girl’s Inc. of Holyoke is offering a whole lot of pay-off for a non-profit organization. As one branch of a national non-profit youth organization, Holyoke’s Girl’s Inc. brings girl power to the Valley. With 1,000 other sites nationwide, Holyoke has been added to a framework of hope and pride for many girls.

Offering academic tutoring, college access education, sports and fitness training, math and science education, economic and media literacy, violence prevention, health and sexuality mentoring and even nutrition tips, Girl’s Inc. seeks to empower young women by customizing the help they receive to the needs they require. Each girl is shown the steps to become the woman they wish to be by making healthy choices and being an active leader in their community.

Starting right here in New England in 1864 at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, Girl’s Inc. has lent a helping hand to lesser privileged girls nationwide and by the millions. It has evolved into a much bigger project since, yet stays true to its roots by aiding young women to acclimate to the fast-paced world of business by making them confident and independent. The objective has - and always will be - to keep “inspiring girls to be strong, smart, and bold,” as their slogan states.

Director of Development and Public Relations, Janna Chapdelaine, has seen many girls bloom over her two-year commitment to the company. As a graduate of Bay State Women’s College, Chapdelaine knows the importance of female empowerment by eliminating the presence of overpowering male influence. She finds Girl’s Inc. to be a successful mode of education that not only inspires girls, but turns that inspiration into action.

The program is open to all girls’ ages 5 through 18 and is organized by age appropriate lessons that are paced to comfortably fit the interests of each individual girl, setting the groundwork and leaving room to grow.

The programs are all research-based with several areas of focus. For Holyoke, the most prominent and important program to their community has proven to be “Preventing Adolescent Pregnancy.” It works to create a comfortable environment in which girls can learn about their bodies and their sexual health. The program details the consequences of what actions they choose to take by putting an emphasis on heedful decision-making. With so many teen pregnancies in their community, Girls Inc. girls are given the education to have foresight to activity design their future by understanding that pregnancy and childcare can wait until the right time in their lives.

Other valued programs include “Friendly PEERsuasion” - an anti-peer pressure mentoring aid to warn against addictive substances, such as drugs and alcohol, “Operation SMART” - an interactive program that pumps girls up for their successful futures by having one-on-one synergy with career women in the fields of mathematics, science, technology, and engineering, and  “Project BOLD” -  a self-defense skill building workshop that not only teaches how to protect oneself physically, but also how to seek out help.

The “Economic Literacy” program develops financial know-how by demonstrating money management tactics and investment skills. It also works to inspire an interest in global economics. The “Girls Inc. Media Literacy” program seeks to dispel media bias and inconsistency. It offers a clearer lens in which to absorb media messages - one that doesn’t objectify women’s bodies and gives them impossible beauty expectations. The program offers a sense of realism to a media world that is often unrealistic, in terms of news, advertising, and entertainment.

“Sporting Chance” is another popular program, where girls are able to have fun while gaining an appreciation for a physically fit life. They also become versed in the ways of a healthy competitive and collaborative sport’s environment. It incites the spirit of adventure through athletics - something that can be difficult in a co-ed setting, where males tend to dominate.

The “Girls Inc. Leadership and Community Action” program is exactly what it claims to be in the title - a portal for girls to establish social standing and become a quality member of their community through various active projects. The bonds that girls build within this program tend to be long-lasting and life-changing, as a way of inspiration and of self-pride.

Girls Inc. senior member, Analiz Garcia, a soon-to-be-18 year-old and graduate of William’s High School, is a perfect example of that pay-off. She is a walking success story. After being a Girls Inc. member for five years, Garcia has undergone a metamorphosis. She’s transformed from a shy girl, who could often be seen in the background what Chapdelaine, the Director of Development and Public Relations, calls “a powerhouse.”

Chapdelaine is also Garcia’s mentor and has helped her search out and apply to colleges. Chapedelaine was more than honored and proud when she learned that Garcia has been accepted to her own alma mater, Bay Path College, where she’ll be attending in the Fall.

Garcia will be the first in her family to ever attend college - like many other Girls Inc. members. Her self-confidence has taken her from telling Chapdelaine that she’d like to be in the medical field to - “Hey, maybe I’ll be a doctor.”

She is currently on the Girls Inc. teen staff; works closely with the Teen Pregnancy Prevention program and is also an ambassador for the non-profit, giving tours and helping with events. She is quick to speak up for women’s rights and even quicker to get involved when an opportunity arises to be an active part of her community. She’s gone to press conferences with the major and was selected to attend President Obama’s Inauguration as a representative of Girls Inc.

She’s amped up about attending college, yet she knows that if she ever needs support - she always has Girls Inc. and her mentor, Chapdelaine. Girls Inc. is family for many of its members. It’s always there as a constant and it’s always there to push girls to their greatest potential.

The best part about this supportive family is the any girl can join. With 77 percent of funding coming from public support, money is underscored. Local foundations, grants from the government, corporation donations, and individual aid have all made Girls Inc. possible. The remaining funding comes from dues, fees, dividends, and interest; however Girls Inc. works with families who are not able to afford their services by offering assistance.

With more than three-quarters of expenses spent solely on programs for the girls, donations are fruitful and directed right where it counts. However, donations come in many forms. If a person who would like to encourage the program and don’t have the financial means to do so, they can be a volunteer.

Girls Inc. always needs mentors, a commitment of only an hour a week, where a volunteer is able to hang out with a Girls Inc. member and advise them by answering questions - whether they be about physical, intellectual, or emotional topics.

In the future, Girls Inc is hoping to expand its membership, according to Chapdelaine. “Our goal is to reach every girl in the Greater Holyoke area. We want to fill the programs to capacity and then need to run more programs. We want this because our girls are graduating from high school, our girls are holding off for pregnancy until later in life, our girls know about their bodies and leadership opportunities, our girls are expressing themselves,” she said. “They know there is nothing limiting them but themselves,” she added.

Although the program has existed for many years, Girls Inc. is still pushing to get the word out about their existence. They are currently hold tours for girls to come and check them out. The next tour is on August 25 from 4pm to 5pm at Girls Inc.

To donate or get involved in this enthusiastic program, visit www.girlsincholyoke.org for more information. Also, be sure to check out their Facebook and Twitter pages.